The Bubbs
Are running around on my bed :’D
I gave them bits of an oreo
My ratties love bits of oreo.
Are running around on my bed :’D
I gave them bits of an oreo
My ratties love bits of oreo.
I am officially homeless.
I am literally homeless.
I have no home anymore.
And apparently, my entire family has forsaken me according to what I’ve heard.
All because one person refused to admit to the truth, and instead of admitting guilt, turned me into the scapegoat.
That’s all, folks.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, because it’s gonna take a miracle to see me through this… I’ve already been coaxed out of suicide at least 4 times in the past 24 hours so…please keep me in your thoughts and prayers…if not for me, then please for my little rattie girls, Freyja and Luna….
How in the hell am I going to survive this… how much can a soul take before it breaks into a trillion pieces..
My friend ~SoVeryFaraway was up at my house recently so she could attend the local furmeet, and we had an awesome time! I was so happy to finally have a friend over! She wanted to go suiting one day, but realized she had forgotten to make herself a badge! I rummaged around my room to find a scrap piece of illustration board, and I made her this sweet little badge! She was so excited when I made it for her, and she was incredibly grateful! I made this right in front of her, so it was a joy to create work for someone while the person is right there!
Colored pencil and pen on illustration board
Yes, I copied that from my dA entry… I HAVE NO REGRETS.
Sometimes, when I feel absolutely horrible, I stay logged onto that window, even when I know she’s fast asleep and making those sweet little mumbles that I love so much. I know she won’t log on until she’s woken up and finished her shift at work, but just knowing she’s there for me makes it feel better sometimes, even when she’s sound asleep.
Sometimes, I question my very state of being. What is the point? Where is the point? Does it ever have one? Did it ever? There is a world outside of my head, and I walk thru it, but I often end up on the outskirts wondering where I am, who I am, and what I am. Am I a place; a state of being? Am I some fluke error in the genetic code? Am I the genetic code? Am I merely a woman; a woman with a malfunctioning bio-hard drive? Is this body just a vehicle which I need to interact with the world?
Am I only a whiny sap with a ‘slap on the wrist’ version of bipolar, whose life is merely a sham to be living and a play written for the entertainment of the greater world?
Is the world outside of myself the healthy place, or is it the crazy place? Am I the crazy place?
Is there a place in the world I’m meant to occupy? Does society care? No. If society cared, we’d all have jobs and there would no longer exist racism, sexism, homophobia, and only cruel means of being which divide us, but it doesn’t care. Society is just made up of people, and I don’t think I’ve ever been invited to be there. Gay, bipolar, and unemployed - three things the majority of society look down or even discriminate against. You think anyone in a small area cares? You think anyone in a large area cares? If society cared, I wouldn’t be sitting on a splintering fence on the outskirts. I’d have a job if society cared. Months and months of running around town, filling out applications, handing out resumes, and what does it get me? Not a damn thing.
Sometimes, I can’t tell if I’m awake or asleep, or if I’m trapped in reality or in a world created by myself.
The mood has definitely changed in my room for the first time since Maxxie passed. I’ve been having a hard time coping with her death, and my sweet little Freyja and Luna were definitely picking up on that. They weren’t playing or romping about, weren’t coming around, and were generally uninterested in anything.
I’ve slowly been coming to terms with Maxxie’s death, and last night was an epiphany for me. I’ve been reading poems about rats passing, which helped ease my inner pain. My lady also helped me out greatly last night. She listened to my telling her about the day I had to bring Max in to be put to sleep, and helped me to think of her death differently. She said to be happy for the life I gave Max, because without my rescuing her, Maxxie would have been killed a long time ago. I tried my best to give Maxxie a beautiful life, and I think I succeeded. I was telling my lady about how Maxxie rested her head on my shoulder as I cradled her against my shoulder in the exact way I cradle a human baby against my shoulder, and how when I’d touch my head against her’s or I’d kiss her head or look down to her, Max would do the same to me. My lady, Annie, said that was Maxxie’s way of telling me she loved me too, and that she was ready to go. Annie said that Maxxie “left on her own terms”, and to be happy I gave her a beautiful life.
From now on, I will celebrate Maxine’s life, and I won’t dwell on her death. She changed my life, and I will celebrate her life <3 Such a beautiful little rattie roo, my little Maxine <3
PS: Luna and Freyja are definitely feeling the positive mood change, and were romping about like their old selves again this morning <3 So thank you, my amazing, beautiful, wonderful Annie, for helping me cheer up <3 <3 I love you so much, Annie <3 <3 <3
I shake the bag of food, still waiting for Maxxie to come dashing out of one of the rattie nests, but she never comes to greet me at the door of the cage…
My beautiful, sassy, loving, spunky little girl <3
Rest in peace, Maxine Mae Anderson <3
….
mommy loves you… and mommy always will love you…even if I can’t see you…
This lucky lady got her combat boots in today :’D
My poor little girl… Maxine, you’re so full of life, yet I see it in your eyes your growing unhappiness with every passing day… Today you wouldn’t eat your favorite pasta with the other two, you wouldn’t eat much of the rattie food, but at least you ate the dog treat bit, the walnut, and the bit of macadamia nut I gave you..
